Still

In the depths of a shallow pit I lay,
Not knowing where to go or which way,
The only one there is, is one I would not take.

I feel it- an army of arteries and veins
Plotting Planning
Twisted cruel schemes
Growing climbing
Around my larynx
Around my pharynx
Wrists, ankles, back and knees.

What would you do?
If your insides decided to kill you?
Just as mine did.
Would you go on to wage a war against you greatest enemy?
Yourself?
Or would you seek to make peace
with the enemy.
Would your blood boil of betrayal or hate
or vengeance?

Or would you give in to the serpents that strangle
that suck
The life from your soul
The words from your lips
The breath from your lungs.

"Grow a pair" the genitals retort!
"Fight back!" shouts the gut!
Your stomach churns
Your bladder is weak
You look to the brain for help.

Not much there.
The brain is fickle
Swaying this way and that
Lifting you up and kicking you back down as it pleases.

You see my dilemma?

And so it was. And so it will be.

In the depths of a shallow pit I lay,
Not knowing where to go or which way,
The only one there is, is one I would not take.

The Embrace

I wish I wish I wish upon a star,

That when I wake up tomorrow, 

beside me you are,

I will forget all my sorrow,

When i see you sound asleep,

Peace in your face,

The smile playing on your lips,

I will wonder then what you are seeing,

With your eyes closed,

Of whom you are dreaming...

As i get up i feel...

Your arms wrap tightly around me,

Like the anaconda 

surrounding her prey,

You pull me closer, 

bidding me to stay...

I see that naughty smile grow wilder

Through the innocent veil

 i see the pretender

As I struggle for freedom,

You hold me tighter

I cannot breathe

My head feels lighter

I turn around to face you

My charming assassin

Now your legs have crept around me too

The chance of escape seems slim

As I turn to face you

Look into your eyes

Past the numbing embrace

My fears seem to slide

As i delve deeper 

into those pools of wonder

My struggle becomes weaker

My panic split asunder

I feel myself relax

Into the depths of what I see

Into the calm I melt,

Like the river merging with the sea

In a moment of enlightenment I find

Solace in your captivating gaze

Its when I realize,

That seems to be my happy place,

I seem to have forgotten,

In my quest to find freedom,

That a dream come true would really be, 

To wake up to you beside me...

Pressures of the Mind...

Peer pressure may not only be a bad influence. Sometimes it is as innocent as a flower that leads you to do things which might be interpreted as selfish or cruel although it was deliberate. What is to be done in a case like this? Are we to follow our hearts and do what it is that our friends are doing and that which we know will make us happy. Or are we to follow our minds and do what we believe is the right thing to do in that situation? Is it our hearts that matter more or that of our loved ones who we are burdening with stress because of our actions? Is our happiness from doing what we want more important or is it the happiness we receive from knowing that we have reduced the burden off our loved ones back, although they might not know or realize it as yet, we know in our hearts that we have made them a little happier and that makes us happy. Which is of greater value? Following your heart and living your dreams or building a relationship and making it stronger.
Its confusing... The path less traveled by.. what does it really mean? What is everyone were to follow the path less taken by in their attempt to achieve their goals in life... Wouldnt the other path now be the one less taken by? Will it still be as sacred as before?
How can you choose between two things both of which are right? or none of which a re necessary wrong or evil. At least it is not intended to be that way. That is the way its perceived.
It burdens the mind and sobers the soul to think such heavy thought. It squeezes the happy memories out first, so you have nothing to hold on to. Then it brings out all the sad memories making the head feel heavier. If only you had the power to lift the weight and throw it away for a while. Would'nt life be easier... Make us happier people...
To control ones mind is a difficult task. To control the heart is not any easier. What it takes to controls ones mind is unknown... to control ones thoughts.. they say its possible... I wonder...

THAT DAY WHEN SHE CRIED...

im looking for a better way,
to say what i ought to say,
i cant read your mind,
and words in my head arent so kind.
the reason its so easy to get upset with you,
the reason im so quick at mis interpretting you,
is cause i believe you
i trust you so  much... so that...
i trust youll go away..
go away without looking back..
not saying a word.. no gudbye..
i love you... i really do!
it breaks my heart ...
when you ignore me...
and not listen to what i have to say...
you know so well to irritate me,
to make me believe im not enough...
and you make me cry...
i hate uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when u ignore me
when ur not with me
when u look at other girls,
when ur away from me
when u dont understand me..
or the pain u cause me
.......
u know i cant sleep when im upset but u always leave fights hanging...
ul never b the first to talk...
u always make me do it,...
does that mean it hurts me more?
or that i know no other way to show it...


i dont know what else to do... to find a better way for you to listen..
than to put it in words.. where someone might
understand..
mayb theyll tell u one day...
maybe ul realise....
about the day when for no reason.. sad tears left her eyes...

about that dat when she cried...

TAKE ME HOME COUNTRY ROADS...

okay.... messed up BIG time!!!!!! never ever ever ever again!!

i knew i shouldnt have done it but i did!!! i knew all along i shouldnt... i mean its not really a big thing but i have a very very strong conscience.... m not regretting that though... its wt saves me most of da tym! okay... so heres wat happened... m at my cousins place in bangalore... i came here on holiday... and my cousin was all set to get me, as sha says, 'scandalised' and made all the preparations for me to lose my 'mental virginity'' get me drunk...

yes m a sissy goody 2 shoes... turning eighteen but have nevr smoked or consumed alcohol or 'made-out' with a guy, which surprises every1... but i never once regretted tht... i, having personally observed the effects of alcohol and having learnt the ill- effects of tobacco, was never curious enough to try...right.. so i was at the part where my cousin planned to spoil me... one of her cousins... Rahul was supposedly depressed... so, taking advantage of the situation... my cousin, and another of her friends Vijesh decided to get him out of the house ( inspite of the fact that he was grounded) and help him cheer up... so i went along...it was all awesome at first... we went to a mall, met all their friends n all n went bowling too.. :P where after a strike, none of the balls i rolled felt like hittin ant of those bottle shaped things :p (m sure there was a name for it but i cant remember it right now) i guess they got over confidant...lol! haha...any way... after a super fun morning, the three of them decided to go clubbing in the evening - where eventually i was supposed to b 'spoiled' ... my cousin said not to worry cause they would take care of me blah blah! n i was silently prayin that something come up n save me... see the thing is that my cousin... shes extremely dominating...and intimidating... n im not that powerful... :( (stupid me!!! ) okay so then  they were all deciding which club to go... n my mom called to say tht my grandma would feel bad that we were out the whole day n said to tell my cousin that we'll go out the next day...but i found a way out b4 realising tht it coulda been my potential way to get out of drinking... okay so then it was decided that we would go... my second escape possibility arrived tht afternoon..when i was home n my cousin said that i could if i wanted to , back out, so to this i said yes and said i could have fun without alcohol too, she agreed but then again started lecturing me on how i neednt worry blah! okay so again i was caught not because i went along with her but cause i wasnt strong with my opinion...she sensed it... okay so then i didnt have a choice... then thank god!! rahuls mom said that he wasnt allowed to go... tht was my third chance... and i was over joyed.. there was nothing they could do now...  but can u believe them?? they told his mom that he broke up with his girlfriend n was depressed..n made him text his mom tht he had had enough n that he needed a break n tht he couldnt talk to his mom about every thing!!! OMG!! how do they come up with this stuff? anyway here his mom was worrying to death tht he is so depressed he might suicide or something.. .and so she let him come over to our place to "talk" to my cousin... in da night... during which course... we saw hangover 2... very funny movie.. really cute!! haha! okay so after movie his mom called to ask him to come back...and so my cousin told his mom that she had just got him to stop crying and that he had fallen asleep here.. what could his mom do? sigh...and then once he knew tht he could stay, the opened a big bottle of vodka... it was horrible n bitter... they kept pushing me to have... i didnt know wat to do... i had a sip... nothin great really happened but i needed to dilute it a lot to destroy its bitterness than god for that... i had 3 sips n one glass of super diluted like 1:10 ratio n one 10g shot... if u keep it in ur mouth too long...it becomes all bitter and ur mouth goes numb and when u swallow it burns down ur throat... till ur stomach...and ur stomach burns for a bit... well after tht i resorted to only fanta... okay so then...tht was me...everybody else had a lot more...at the end of the night the whole big bottle was over :o it was funny at first.. they were all smokin in the loo n drinking in the room... i was pretty strict abt the no smoking thing but couldnt bring tht force into the no alcohol... well as they strted getting high...rahul started becoming funny...his hands were everywhere... n i mean yea i probably dreamd tht when i did get the most perfect bf ever then he would probably b like tht (i am reconsidering that now too...i really wasnt what ud call "comfy")... weirdly it felt awkwardly nice... but i had to keep reminding myself tat he was high, had a girlfriend and was younger that me and was my cousins cousin thereby bein my cousin!... tho he seemed older and treated me as younger than him...it was really really awkward!!!! and i didnt know how to stop it or anythin...im the only one who can remimber clearly wat happened last night... and it was really weird cause i was enjoying it and trying to prevent it at the same time...thank god i could get away b4 his hands got on the wrong places...thts how they danceds in clubs he said...but i wasnt too comfortable... i know tht only when m comfortable with some1 doin all dat shit only then am i doing the right thing.. cause like i said i have a very strong conscience... i will not b comfortable doing anything tht i know i shouldnt be... therefore... i think i managed my self pretty okay and "protecting" myself from drunk ppl... well kinda... it wasnt like he was going to rape me or anything but it could have lead to me having unpleasant feeling of being used...which i am proud i prevented... well so continuing with my story... the guys were real nice tho i must say... they kept telling me not to have too much and didnt force me one bit... also vijesh turned out to b super nice...he would dance at a distance and it was fun!! :D really looked like retards dancing lol!! anyway... after tht...my cousin started acting all weird and all three of them puked and passed out.. my cousin and rahul told me to sleep on the same bed sayin theyll tell my grandma that they fell asleep watchin the movie if she asked...well heres wat i did...once they all passed out i quietly left the room and went to sleep in my room...by then it was 5:30...and then i woke up early at 7:20 to make sure tht i get my cousin into my room while my grandama goes for a bath so tht she doesnt get into trouble...but guess wat? my bad luck...grandma checked the room and found her sleepin in a bed sharing the same raazai wit 2 guys... she got very very mad...so now half the family knows the story and to top it off rahuls mom is really really mad at him too...tho i dont blame her...well...adn my grandma scolded us loads n loads...well mostly my cousin...but i feel its my fault too...i feel like im being shouted at cause i left her to get into trouble alone when infact i shoulda been wit her to help shoulder the pain...but my grandma woulda flipped!!! im telling u! i have a very gud reputation and i would like to keep it thankyu very much...i felt extremely bad about it but i dont know..i dnt seem to regret it tht much...but the guys were really sweet...really took care...i know...it is weird but...yes it was an unforgettable night jus like it was meant to b but jus in a slightly different sense...i mean i wish hope and pray that i dont have to go through this ever again in my life ever...i have to star learning how to handle peer pressure...and im feeling so horribly guilty...i mean my grandma in pune warned me right before i left not to do anything htat would bring her shame evn if my cousin did it... and my mom n dad trust me...they trust me soooo much i hate to break their trust...and although i have made new friends and hope to keep them for life..i promise never again to break my parents trust on me...i really really feel bad about it...i know...no1 knows about the alcohol bit...they only know abt the sleepin in same bed bit...but stilll i apologise to my parents for doing it...im still ur little girl daddy...i promise never to do it again even if ppl call me a 12 year old... i will only proceed when my conscience allows it , ie, when u and mommy allow it and i love u mommy...i know ul b heartbroken if u ever found out but...im prayin u dnt cause i hate to hurt u and promise never to do anything against my conscience ever again...i love u...i would rather have a boring, "non-high", risk-free and honest life than go through this over again...i cant take the stress and cant calm my conscience...i do not want u to lose confidence in me ever and im goin to try my best to keep it tht way... i am being responsible... i havent bougt one thing for myself...all the oney given has been spent only on travel as planned and for the reunion... im never breaking ur confidence ever again...altho u dnt know that i have..i promise u wont...i find all of this extremely disturbing...im never goin to hurt u ever again...

I LOVE.....

There are so many things that I love in this world...
The countless little pleasures that cannot be compensated for...
I love the bright green of little baby leaves
I love deep red roses...their smell...
I love the smell of puppies and dogs...
I love their tiny tongues and paws...
I love the feel of velvet and rose petals...
I love chocolate milk and the smell of fresh morning air...
I love the chirping of the birds, robins with red cheeks
and little yellow birds...
I love the feeling you get
when you eat vanilla ice cream after super spicy pani puri.
I love the wind on my face...
I love bike rides...
I love how i feel when i wake up in the morning after having a sweet dream
I love the chill of the morning air on my face,
The chillness of water in my mouth and throat after playing
I love the feeling you get when the ball released from your hand swishes into the ring...
I love the feeling you get when you jump in the air and intercept a pass...
I love the feeling of relief you get when you hand over your answer sheet to the examiner...
I love the warmth of hot chocolate, thick blanket and a good book on a cold winter morning...
I love the mushy feeling you get when youre watchin a romantic movie
and the hero finally kisses the woman of his dreams...
I love the feeling you get when the person youre thinking of suddenly calls...
I love when I wake up in the morning and feel beautiful...
I love the sound of bells ringing...
I love the feeling you get when you talk to a close friend after very very long....
I love reminiscing about my past...
I love playing with puppies...
I love the feeling you get when you have the right answer in class and the teacher asks you for it....
I love hot chocolatey brownies and vanilla icecream with extra chocolate sauce...
I love the way my heart races when the guy i like leans over recklessly close to me
and doesnt realise the effect he has on me...
I love the feeling i get when i sing a school hymn after ages!
I love hugs...the warm, full hugs...especially before an exam...
I love staring at the rain...
I love the smell of wet mud...
I love the warmth of the sun on an otherwise cold day...
I love the soft breeze on my face...
I love looking at the stars from my bed room window...
I love surprises...
I love the oestrogen rush I get when surrounded by peppy, chirpy, giggly, girls...
And the clickity sound of someone typing really really fast on the keyboard...
But...
Im afraid of loneliness...
Afraid to be left alone in the world...
Afraid of losing the ones i love...
So many things to love... so little to fear...
This world is a happy place whenever you're near :)

GOOD MORNING

Early in the morning the birds are singing;

Theres a song in my heart,

I'm feeling so happy today!

I'm light hearted i dont know why...

Its a good feeling, i hate to cry..

Today is going to be a great day...

I know its true...

Theres something in the air...

Something delightful, so very nice,

It makes me feel warm...

Makes me wanna jump for joy!

Its funny to feel this way you know...

Doesnt come everyday..

This joy..

But when it does..its a fantastic feeling...

So warm so light so bright...

Brings a glow to your face and your heart skips a beat..

On days like this you dont need good things to happen

 To make you feel better... 

You just know that theyll come no matter what...

Cause today youre so absolutely sure of your self....

So confident without the slightest of doubt...

Its nice to feel certain about something in life..

Sometimes...

Its a lovely feeling to be happy for no reason...

It feels like your in the air...

The kind of feeling you get when

You're swinging...

When youre swinging really high...

And you look up into the sky...

Makes you feel on top of the world...

Like you can touch the sky...

The way your heart leaps in that tiny moment ..

When youre at the highest position...

Just before you swing back..

The adrenalin rush that flows through you..

Or the anticipation you feel just as you are about to reach the highest limit...

Its an amazing feeling...

Its one of a kind...

It makes you feel like you can do anything...

Absolutely anything..

It reminds you of your childhood dreams...

The ones that the present makes you forget..

Todays complications can make you forget...

Those colourful beautiful bubbletastic dreams...

The carefree games...

It makes you break away...

Break away from the present...

Into a world of your own...

A world of  your dreams...

Where things go your way...

Sometimes when we think about these dreams...

Our conscience calls our expectations foolish

But we know in our heart that 

If we really want it ...

That if we really really want it...

We can get it...

It is such days of break away...

Such days of inexplainable joy...

That reminds us...reminds us that we need to go back..

Back to the beginning..

To know what we really want and do what makes us happy...

These good mornings are always looked forward to...

Whether we know it or not...

These good mornings make us happy...

They remind us people..lost in our busy world...

Who dont know what we want from life...

Reminds us our dreams and helps us chase them...

These are the good mornings ...

So beautiful so bright so light... 

So go ahead! 

Let yourself have a good morning...

Let yourself have a good day...

Give yourself that one chance...

Have a great time...

:)